What do you treasure? It shows up in your conversations and schedules, your close friends and spending habits.

Jesus said, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” Which simply means that you tend to have feelings about something you treasure the most. When you think about your treasure, it motivates and excites you. Your pulse beats a little bit faster. A smile crosses your face.

Let’s reminisce. Think about the days when you courted your bride-to-be. During the engagement and early days of marriage, everybody knew who it was you treasured. She was the woman of your dreams -- the perfect “10.”

You probably talked a lot about the woman you loved, and spent lots of energy and creativity in dating her. You rearranged your schedule so you could spend every spare moment with her. You went out to dinners and movies and plays and parties and bought flowers and perfume and even a diamond ring.

Your woman was showered with attention and affection. She felt loved, prized, courted, wanted and appreciated. She felt safe and secure. She felt treasured.

And she knew it would last. She figured it would even get better and better.

Then came the wedding, the honeymoon and the move into the apartment. At this point, married men do something completely instinctive. They shift their attention to the next goal in life: to succeed in a career. Most newly married men aren’t aware of this shift, but it transforms their lives.

Without warning, many men get married and promptly close the book on courtship and romance. Without trying, they dismantle the emotions and self-esteem of their brides.

DRIVEN BY TASKS

Why do we men behave this way? For starters, many of us were reared by goal-setting fathers. When a boy gets old enough to follow directions, Dad assigns the little guy a list of responsibilities and says, “Now, you do this chore and work your way down through the list.” So the little guy does exactly what he’s told, shifting his focus from chore to chore until the list is completed.

When he’s a little older, he shifts to sports. He learns how the game works: First the tryouts, then the practices, the games, the tournaments and then the award banquets. Then he puts away the uniform. He waits about three weeks and shifts his focus to the next sport.

It’s the same way in the marketplace. From the first day of work, a manager assigns the young man a task and tells him to work on it, complete it, present it and then pack up and move onto the next assignment.

This becomes a way of life, and men carry their task-oriented behavior into their relationships. They get the marriage job completed, attend the awards banquet (the honeymoon) and then move to the next challenge.

Meanwhile, their wives feel betrayed. She has worked through several stages to learn to trust the man she’s now married, first convincing herself that the man treasures her for who she is and not what she is.

The woman’s self-convincing begins in courtship -- with a subplot churning in her mind. Her biggest question: What is this guy REALLY after? Is he after a good time, a cheap thrill, a casual friendship, a serious relationship? I wonder how badly I’m going to get hurt in this relationship!

But over time, as she gets the phone calls, love letters, long walks and talks, and kisses, she allows herself to believe this man loves her for who she is. At the wedding and honeymoon, her fears disappear, and she’s ready to start writing the book titled “Wedded Bliss.”

Meanwhile, hubby has closed the book titled “How to Get the Marriage Thing Done” and is ready to make a buck, climb the corporate ladder, or even build a church or two. He works so hard he doesn’t have much time for love letters and long walks. His wife’s worst nightmare has come true. She thinks: “This is a setup! He doesn’t really treasure me after all. He didn’t want me, he wanted a wife. How could I have been so stupid?”

TREASURE TIPS

The Bible offers one imperative to husbands on how to build a long-lasting, mutually satisfying, God-glorifying marriage: “Husbands, love your wives” (Eph. 5:25). Let me say it this way: “Husbands, treasure your wives.”

Consider the enormous divorce rate in the first five years of marriage. To avoid this, even later in your marriage, here are five steps to treasure your wife:

First, court your wife creatively. A curious power exists in creativity. It inspires, refreshes and surprises. You can still fan the flames of marriage by courting your wife creatively once again. Write notes to her during a break in your schedule at work. Tell her: “You’re precious to me, and I was thinking about you in the middle of the day. I wanted you to know it.”

Call her from work for no reason. The first thing she’s going to ask is “What’s on your mind?” Just say, “I just wanted to talk with you over the phone.”

Take her for a walk after dinner. Reach for her hand, hang on to it, squeeze it. Buy her some flowers every now and then.

Around the house, try some nonsexual touching. It’s sort of a friendship touching, caressing a little bit. It says “I treasure you.”

Second, communicate with your wife meaningfully. As a rule, I believe husbands should initiate conversation with their wives at least once a week outside of the home.

Lynne and I go out for an early breakfast every Thursday. We frequent the same restaurant and sit at the same table. I begin the conversation with such questions as: “What’s going on, Honey? How are you doing? How are we doing? How could I please you more? What’s going on in the lives of our kids? What ways am I frustrating you?”

We also have a weekly date night. We hire a baby sitter and leave the house. Of course, we communicate all week, but serious talk can be hurried with the demands of children, friends and other obligations. Serious communication cannot be hurried. It should be in an unhurried atmosphere. I assume the responsibility for setting it up and sticking with it. And Lynne loves it.

Third, serve her cheerfully. Early in a courtship, a young man carries his girlfriend’s books, drives her places, holds open doors for her and fixes her car. Six weeks after the wedding, a man sometimes retires his servant uniform. Don’t do it. Regular, cheerful, voluntary acts of service are greatly appreciated by wives. It says to them: “I treasure you.”

Fourth, inspire your wife regularly. Most men are married to women who have been victimized by chauvinistic undertow. Our wives grew up in a culture that minimizes their value, underestimates their abilities and depreciates their potential. We husbands who know anything about the Bible realize that women are full image-bearers of God. One way to show our wives how much we treasure them is to inspire them to reach their potential. We can say: “Honey, what is it you would love to do? What skill would you like to hone? How can I cheer you on?”

When you treasure someone, you say: “I love you so much, I want you to grow. I want you to soar. I want you to be fulfilled. I want you to be in a dynamic phase of your life. I want you to be satisfied.”

Finally, walk with the Lord faithfully. If you walk with Christ, He will change your character, clarify your values, modify your convictions and instill a sense of integrity. He also gives your life purpose, security, peace, courage and joy. Your wife is going to respect you. It’s no mystery to me why certain wives have a hard time loving their husbands. They just don’t respect them. If you walk in Christ, your wife over time will respect who you are in Christ.

A lot of women have told me: “Boy, since my husband started a relationship with Christ, I’ve gotten an upgraded model of the old guy.”

Men, for the sake of God, your wife, your kids and yourself, treasure your wife.

By Bill Hybels - All rights reserved.