Thanks for reading this far, I hope this is helping some of you to deal with your struggles. The testimony continues...
As you may recall, I had finally confessed to my Christian brothers how
I was struggling with lust. It made me feel much better that I was
being prayed for, and held accountable. But to be honest, I was still
failing miserably in the battle to get free from this sexual idolatry.
I didn't want to always be talking about this subject at my men's
meetings, but I knew I had to keep from hiding my problems. It would
have been really easy to keep it to myself how I was losing the daily
skirmishes for sexual purity, and act like everything was okay now. I
was still feeling ashamed and embarrassed that even after the
confessions and prayers, I wasn't able to get rid of the thoughts and
imaginations I was having.
Some of you reading this are right where I was, right now.
Satan has turned on the heat because you've become serious about
dealing with this sin. You've come this far, but you're failing. You
feel defeated, and you're ready to give up. Don't stop now! You've come
so far don't turn back! Believe me, I felt like giving up at this
point. I was in despair of ever being delivered from this bondage. But
by God's awesome mercy, He gave me the grace to continue. I didn't give
up, I didn't back down, I determined to do whatever it took to be
sexually pure like Jesus called me to be. So I kept bringing up the
subject at my men's meetings, letting them know I still needed prayer
in this area. It was really hard, but as you'll see, it was most
definitely worth it! Victory was right around the corner!
One particularly bad night occurred in January of 1999. I was
sick as a dog with the flu, and while trying to sleep that night, I had
hallucinations. It was a sexual fantasy involving a TV news anchorwoman
I had just seen before I went to bed, and it went on, over and over
like a looping tape, all night long. I couldn't sleep because of it,
and I felt horrible the next morning. Not only was I physically sick,
but I felt mentally, emotionally, and especially spiritually ill and
drained. I was absolutely sick of myself by this point - sick of the
thoughts, the fantasies, my imaginations run wild. I felt like I was
losing my mind, it had gotten so bad. I was starting to wonder if I
should get professional help.
I can't honestly remember if it was the next day, or within
several days, when the following happened. I was alone in the house,
and I was crying out to God to deliver me and set me free from this
sin. I was in total spiritual agony. All at once, the following verse
from Scripture came to my mind. I didn't remember the whole thing
verbatim, but enough of it to be able to look it up in my Bible
software. (Please don't think reading Scripture is a waste of time. If
I hadn't read it so many times before, I probably never would have
thought about it.)
"Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as
slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either
of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness?
But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became
obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were
committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of
righteousness. I am speaking in human terms because of the weakness of
your flesh. For just as you presented your members as slaves to
impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now
present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in
sanctification." (Romans 6:16-19)
The thing that really impacted me about those verses, that I
had read so many times but never noticed, was the phrase "though you
were slaves of sin... you became slaves of righteousness". I had never
really thought about the tense of those verbs. It doesn't say I "am" a
slave of sin, and I'm "becoming" a slave of righteousness. It says I
used to be a slave of sin, but I'm not anymore! I'm now a slave of
righteousness. This truth from God hit me like a lightning bolt in the
middle of a dark night! God's Word says I had been presenting myself as
a slave to sin - I didn't have to do it, I wasn't forced to, but I was
doing it myself. I actually had a choice in the matter.
This was truly liberating! The only way I can explain it is
with the following. It was like I was in a hideous dungeon, and I was
really in anguish. I'd spent a long time in this pit. I was feeling
really sorry for myself. I was crying out to the Lord. Then Jesus
showed up in front of me. I whined, "Lord, Lord, please deliver me from
this bondage." He told me to leave the dungeon. "But, Lord, I can't,
I'm in chains. Please, won't you rescue me?" After much pleading, He
told me to look at my chains. I looked down, and the chains that I
thought had bound me in that place were broken open on the ground.
"Lord, when did that happen?" And He told me the chains had been broken
since He died in my place on Calvary, since I trusted in Him to save
me. The sad thing was, I had been free to leave the whole time I was
there. I had listened to the liar, who said that I couldn't get loose,
that I was in bondage and was never going to be able to escape. I
BELIEVED THE LIAR!!!
Jesus said "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you
free". The One who is Faithful and True showed me the lie of Satan, and
then showed me His great truth. And I knew I was free! When Jesus
confronted Satan in the desert when He was being tempted, He kept
quoting scripture to that liar. So that's exactly what I did - I read
those verses out loud at Satan and I claimed those promises that God
made to me. I told Satan that I believed God when He said I was not a
slave of sin anymore, and I believed God when He proclaimed me a slave
of righteousness. I praised the Lord for His truth and asked Him to
help me to stand on this promise with all my heart and mind and soul
and spirit. I can't really explain what I was feeling, but I knew in my
heart I was free. God said it, so I knew it was true.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to
the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but
divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying
speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of
God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of
Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)
I knew from the above verse that, although God had set me free
from this sin, I still had a responsibility to not allow impure
thoughts to take root in my mind anymore. So anytime it even seemed
like a thought might be forming that could turn into lust or some
sexual fantasy, I would say, this thought is against God, so I take it
captive to obey Christ, and I cast it down at the foot of the cross of
Christ. This wasn't a magic incantation or a secret formula, but I
would consciously acknowledge that the thought was the beginning of
sin, and that only through Jesus' death for me on the cross to set me
free from sin would I be able to make my mind submit.