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Submit is a verb. Submitting is a
voluntary action. That means it is something we ourselves do.
It’s not something we make someone else do. Just as we can’t
force another person to love us, we can’t force someone to
submit to us either. Of course we can make that person do what
we want. But then that’s not true submission.
Submission is a choice we make. It’s something each one of
us must decide to do. And this decision happens first in the
heart. If we don’t decide in our hearts that we are going to
willingly submit to whomever it is we need to be submitted to,
then we are not truly submitting.
This may be shocking news to you, but an overwhelming
majority of wives in my survey said they want to submit to
their husbands. They want their husbands to be the head of the
home, and they have no desire to usurp that God-given position
of leadership. They know what the Bible says on the subject,
and discerning wives want to do what God wants because they
understand that God’s ways work best.
However, problems often arise in this area because a wife
is afraid to submit to her husband for two reasons:
Reason #1: Her husband thinks submission is only a
noun, and he uses it as a weapon.
Reason #2: Her husband has himself not made the
choice in his heart to be fully submitted to God.
Okay, okay! I know that God did not say a wife needs to
submit to her husband only if he proves to be worthy.
Submission is a matter of trusting in God more than trusting
in man. But a wife will more easily make the choice to submit
to her husband if she knows that he has made the choice to
submit to the Lord. It will be a sign to her that it is safe
to submit to him. And the goal here is to help her, not force
her, into proper alignment.
Many a wife has a hard time trusting that her husband is
hearing from God if he doesn’t appear to be submitted to God
in the way he treats her. Wives know that after the verse
“Wives, submit to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22), the
Bible says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself for her” (verse 25). Christ
doesn’t neglect, ignore, demean or abuse the church. He
doesn’t treat her rudely or disrespectfully. He never acts
arrogantly or insensitively toward her. Nor does He criticize
her and make her feel she is not valuable. Rather He loves
her, protects her, provides for her, and cares for her. So
while God gives the husband a position of leadership in
relationship to his wife, He also requires the price of
self-sacrifice from him.
When Wives Hold Back
The big question in many women’s minds is, “If I submit
myself to my husband, will I become a doormat for him to walk
on?” The answer to that question depends entirely upon whether
her husband believes he should love his wife like Christ loves
the church and willingly sacrifices himself for her — or
thinks that submission is a noun and that it is something owed
him. In other words, does he only consider his desires and
opinions, to the exclusion of hers?
A wife has a hard time giving her husband the reins to her
life if she doesn’t believe she can trust him to have her best
interests at heart as he steers the course of their lives
together. She has trouble going along with his decisions when
he refuses to consider her thoughts, feelings, and insights on
the subject. And if she has submitted to a male in the past
and her trust was violated in some way, it is even more
difficult for her to trust now.
On the other hand, a woman will do anything for a man who
loves her like Christ loves the church. Submission is easy
under these conditions. I know a number of women who are
married to unbelieving husbands and who have no problem
submitting to their husbands, because in each case the husband
loves his wife like Christ loves the church, even though he
doesn’t even know Christ.
Too often people confuse “submit” with “obey.” But they are
not the same thing. The Bible gives commands about obeying
other people only in regard to children and slaves, and in the
context of the local church. “Children, obey your parents in
the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1). "Bondservants,
be obedient to those who are your masters according to the
flesh” (Ephesians 6:5). “Obey those who rule over you, and be
submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who
must give account” (Hebrews 13:17). Since a wife is neither
her husband’s child nor his servant, and the local church
isn’t part of a marriage, the word “obey” has no application
to the relationship between a husband and a wife.
Submission means “to submit yourself.” In light of that,
when a husband demands submission from his wife, it is no
longer true submission. And his demands can become
intimidating and oppressive, which breeds resentment. When a
husband is more interested in his wife’s submission to him
than he is in his own submission to God, then submission
becomes a tool to hurt and destroy.
I have seen too many marriages between strong Christian
people — high-profile Christian leaders, in fact — end in
divorce because the husband demanded submission and resorted
to verbal or physical abuse in order to get it. My husband has
even counseled men like that, men who refused to hear that
losing their family was a horrible price to pay for being
“right.” How much better it would have been for the husband to
submit himself to God’s hand and then pray for his wife to be
able to come into proper order. This kind of situation occurs
far too often.
When we submit to God, He doesn’t suppress who we are. He
frees us to become who we’re made to be, within the boundaries
of His protection. When a wife submits to her husband, she
comes under his covering and protection, and this frees her to
become all God created her to be. And trust me, you want that
for your wife. Her greatest gifts will prove to be your
greatest blessing.
If you feel that your wife is not submissive, pray for her
to have a submissive heart, first toward God and then toward
you. Then ask God to help you love her the way He does. I
guarantee that you will see her submission level rise in
direct proportion to the unselfish love you exhibit for her.
And let her see that you are seeking God for guidance. If she
knows that you are asking God to show you the way, she will
follow you anywhere.
Please pray for your wife that:
1. She will understand what submission really is.
2. She
will be able to submit in the way God wants her to.
3. You
will be completely submitted to God.
4. She will trust God
as He works in you.
5. You will take your position as
spiritual leader.
6. She will trust you to be the head of
the family.
7. Submission will not be a point of
contention in your marriage.
PRAYER POWER
Lord, I submit myself to You this day. Lead me as I lead my
family. Help me to make all decisions based on Your revelation
and guidance. As I submit my leadership to You, enable (wife’s
name) to fully trust that You are leading me. Help her to
understand the kind of submission You want from her. Help me
to understand the kind of submission You want from me. Enable
me to be the leader You want me to be.
Where there are issues over which we disagree, help us to
settle them in proper order. I pray that I will allow You,
Lord, to be so in control of my life that my wife will be able
to freely trust Your Holy Spirit working in me. Help me to
love her the way You love me, so that I will gain her complete
respect and love. Give her a submissive heart and the faith
she needs to trust me to be the spiritual leader in our home.
At the same time, help us to submit “to one another in the
fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21). I know that only You, Lord, can
make that perfect balance happen in our lives.
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