It might. Often it is painful for women, but not always. Pain
certainly is not unusual or abnormal in either gender. The man’s
pain is generally emotional and derives from not being nearly as
“studly” or in control as he expected or hoped. For both
partners, a good premarital evaluation and discussion with a
physician or nurse beforehand can prevent surprises and decrease
some pain. A woman can do exercises to stretch the hymen, which
can significantly decrease the pain that she might experience.
Also, nervousness and anxiety can make muscles tense. There are
exercises in the appendix of our book that can teach a woman to
relax, which will enable the muscles to reach the appropriate
diameter. The “female on top” position also can give her more
control of what is comfortable.
What should I expect the first time?
Anxiety, curiosity and anticipation. Pain and pleasure.
Possible disappointment. It’s highly likely you will have less
of a life-changing, ecstatic experience than you may have
anticipated, but you have a lifetime to perfect it. Remember,
too, that the occasion truly is perfect in that the two of you
are together. Don’t put too much pressure on the first night; it
could range anywhere from beef Wellington to McDonald’s. People
also bring past history and experience to the occasion. Even if
you both are virgins with a biblical view of sex, you probably
will not have the best love lives in the world right from the
beginning. Keep a sense of humor and a heart of compassion, and
you’ll get off to a good start.
If you’re having trouble with sex, should you go to a
doctor, try new things or go to a therapist?
When a couple has difficulty, it often is hard to discern
whether the problem is founded in skill, technique or a lack of
communication. I’d recommend you begin experimenting in your
lovemaking. Ask each other, “What appeals to you?” What are some
things you keep wishing he or she would do? What are some of
your mate’s wishes? Set a time in the next few days to try to do
those things. Don’t keep a score card, but have a goal of
gradual progress. Be verbal about your experiences later.
Also, keep a sense of humor and a tender heart. Hard
corrective/evaluative conversations should be remote from the
act of lovemaking. Hug, kiss, and say “good night,” then deal
with matters later, when you are not surrounded by the ambiance
of nudity and a sense of failure.
Often couples find themselves in a downward spiral of
frustration that leads to a hard conversation that includes
crying or other release of emotions. Once the sense of relief
comes they feel better, but the sense of urgency is gone.
Unfortunately, with the urgency gone, the motivation to work out
possible solutions to the problem sometimes disappears.
Work at keeping your motivation level high. Remember those
things that you said you’d do. Next time, try to "knock his
socks off" or "rock her world." Rather than acting like you’re
having a good time when you’re only pretending, communicate what
you want. Without honesty, it is extremely difficult for a
couple’s love life to improve. In fact, habitual deception keeps
many problems that couples could otherwise deal with, beneath
the surface.
If none of this works, seek medical attention. If tests
reveal no medical problems, physicians can refer couples to
other sources who are trained to help.
