How do I retrain myself to realize “sex
is good” and start talking openly about sex?
The church through the centuries has often been of little
help here. Jerome, a great Bible translator, would not allow
couples to receive communion after the “bestial” act of
intercourse, and he claimed that “he who too ardently loves his
wife is an adulterer.” Augustine spoke of the “degrading
necessity of sex,” and Pope Gregory I claimed that “sexual
pleasure can never be without sin."
One husband explained, “I thought that if I gave my life
fully to the Lord, it meant I would have to stop having a good
time with my wife. It was a pleasant surprise to find out God
gave sex as a gift and that it’s supposed to get even better.”
If you struggle with the mentality that God frowns on sex,
try memorizing portions of Song of Solomon, 1 Corinthians 7, or
Genesis 2:25, which reads, “The man and his wife were both naked
and were not ashamed” before sin entered the world. Fill your
mind with what the Bible says about sex being a gift from God.
Once you are married, begin with the workbook section of this
text and try to work through answers with your spouse so that
you begin to become comfortable with the topic. Talk about what
you agree with and disagree with, and discuss your personal
preferences.
How do we handle going from “Stop! Stop!” before marriage
to the mentality that we must be sex gods and goddesses once
we’re married?
“My fiancée and I have worked hard to keep limits on
ourselves during our engagement,” one man told me. “How do we go
from ‘sex is bad’ to ‘sex is great’ in one day after a wedding
ceremony?” His fiancée added, “How am I supposed to go from
‘good girl’ to ‘sex kitten’ overnight?”
You can begin by changing “Stop, stop” to “Not yet, not yet.”
The best lovemaking follows covenantal commitment between
partners. A 1994 study, “Sex in America,” generally considered
the most accurate and complete study ever done, indicated that
“intimate, exclusive relationships between spouses or committed
partners provide, by far, the greatest degree of sexual
satisfaction." Understand that God designed marriage to provide
the right context for sex. Next, get rid of messages in your
mind that say sex is bad. We should not teach that sex is bad.
We should teach that it is sinful outside of marriage.
Attraction and the desire for pleasure are normal, not evil.
Solomon’s Song of Songs gives us some direction here. Before the
couple marries, we read of their passionate feelings. Yet we
also read this in 3:5 of the Amplified Bible:
“I adjure you, 0 daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or
by the hinds of the field, That you will not arouse or awaken
love until it pleases.”
Feelings of physical passion are good. God put them there.
But as was true three thousand years ago when God inspired
Solomon with these words, you don’t go to bed with your dating
partner or your wife-to-be. Sex has boundaries. Four times in
Solomon’s book we read, “Don’t arouse love until it pleases.”
The word “arouse” means a violent awakening. Both man and woman
must take responsibility for stopping. It’s neither “her job”
nor “his job” to apply the brakes; they’re both responsible for
holding the line. Yet after the wedding, Solomon records that
God tells them to “drink and imbibe deeply.”
In courtship, it’s expected that they will wait. But once
married, it is expected that they will not wait. The poet seems
to be indicating that this is the voice of God Himself — the
silent observer, designer and blesser of their physical love.
God pronounces His full approval on everything that has taken
place, encouraging them to drink deeply of His gift. He created
us — designed us — as sexual creatures. He has revealed the
“rules” for our benefit and in our best interest. Sin often is a
consequence of indulging a natural, normal desire in the wrong
way, place or time.
Marriage involves developing sexual intimacy. Developing
implies a process — a progression. Through understanding,
practice, applying knowledge, growing in unity, maturing in
love, abounding in tenderness and kindness, your unique physical
love language will develop over time. Your first encounters do
not have to be your best; you will probably find yourselves
fumbling and groping. Yet these experiences are precious, and
they are where you begin. Song of Solomon also appears to
indicate that, over time, lovers gain more boldness and deeper
intimacy. During courtship, the future bride says this in 1:6
about herself:
“Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has
burned me.”
The highest place of beauty on a Middle Eastern woman was her
skin. They wore veils in the sun to keep their skin light. So
she views herself as “deficient” compared to the standard of
beauty in her culture. Yet after they have been married, she
says this in 2:1:
“I am the rose of Sharon, The lily of the valleys."
Isn’t it interesting how her view of herself has changed?
Earlier, she was self-conscious: “Don’t stare at me." Now her
self-image has risen because she sees herself as he sees her.
Through time, intimacy can grow and you will become more skilled
at giving and receiving pleasure together.
One wife explained how she was able to grow in
responsiveness:
“One day on our honeymoon, I (Pam) had just stepped from the
shower and, looking into the mirror, I began to criticize my
body. [My husband] Bill was sitting on the bed, admiring his new
wife. As I would comment on an area I thought needed improving,
he would counter with how beautiful it was. This went on for a
few minutes until he could stand it no longer. He stood up,
wrapped his arms around me, and told me to look straight into
his eyes.
“I complied, intrigued by the mystery of what my new husband
was up to. He very seriously and lovingly said, ‘I will be your
mirror. My eyes will reflect your beauty. You are beautiful,
Pamela. You are perfect, and if you ever doubt it, come stand
before me. The mirror of my eyes will tell you the true story.
You are perfect for me.’
“Over the last fourteen years, whenever self-doubt was
looming on the horizon, through three pregnancies and baby
blues, my mirror has never stopped telling me how perfect I am
for him. Because of his continual confidence building, I have
grown more sexually adventurous. In Bill’s eyes I am beautiful,
and in his arms I am safe.”
