Certainly. Excluding the issues of divorce and death of a
spouse, shouldn’t we all want to marry virgins? Men and women
both should want that. So often we have a double standard that
says men should “play around” before marriage but then marry
“nice girls” who didn’t. Even some “nice girls” want experienced
men because they grow up hearing that men should know all about
sex but women should be naive. The very terms we use to describe
them reflect this mentality: men are studly; women are sleazy.
“I grieved when I found out my fiancé had already had sex,”
shared Terry. “It’s really disappointing, because I’ve saved
myself for marriage. But he has a spirit of repentance about it.
So I decided that if God has forgiven him, I can, too. I realize
we may have to deal with some related difficulties in the
future, but I’m willing to face that because I want him in my
life.”
How much importance a person places on this is an individual
matter. For some, marrying a person with a “past” may not be a
livable option; for others, it may be workable. When deciding on
a future mate, we have to ask ourselves, “What problems am I
willing to live with if my future spouse does not live up to my
ideal?” (recognizing that none of us meets God’s standard).
In the past I was sexually abused, and that makes it
difficult for me to enjoy lovemaking. What should I do?
It’s been said many times that the mind is the most important
sexual organ. It’s perfectly normal for significant problems to
stem from past abuses. It is almost impossible to get rid of
mental images from the past so that they don’t interfere; this
may require individual counseling.
If your partner has suffered abuse, be extremely tender. Try
to discover — gently and patiently — what works best for you as
a couple. You may need interesting surroundings for lovemaking
that are very unlike those of the negative experience. Try
leaving on dim lights to help you stay visually in touch with
where you are. Look into his or her face and associate. This
involves making decisions to fill your mind with the truth. If
the distraction happens frequently enough, it might benefit you
to find a Christian counselor who specializes in sexual abuse.
As a rule, most pastors do not receive enough specialized
training to handle these issues.
