What is not okay? Anything that stirs
desire to sin. (That would include just about anything
accompanied by moaning.) The standard is spelled out for us in 1
Thessalonians 4:3-8, which tells us not to defraud each other
sexually. “Defrauding” is intentionally creating or sustaining a
desire that cannot rightfully and righteously be met.
Many have defined vaginal intercourse as the only premarital
no-no. Thus, many unmarried Christian couples practice oral sex,
anal sex, Cybersex, phone sex and “outercourse” (where there is
intentional prolonged contact without penetration). They engage
in these practices rationalizing that they have adhered to God’s
standard. Yet God’s standard draws the line at lustful thoughts,
requiring moment-by-moment dependence on God’s power and
commitment to His Word.
Rationalizing couples find themselves caught up in a cycle of
obtaining sexual satisfaction in illegitimate practices,
followed by conviction, guilt and a hardening of heart against
the guilt so that it becomes easier to lower the standard the
next time. This is a dangerous pattern. It keeps them sliding
down a slippery slope as they go further each time, continually
pushing the limits. It also helps them link sexual pleasure with
guilt, which can create difficulties for them later.
Our culture promotes individual dating as opposed to group
dating, placing young couples who feel strongly attracted to
each other in settings that increase the likelihood of their
violating their own and God’s standards. Group settings help
take some of the pressure off of couples seeking to control
their urges, while helping them develop healthy social skills.
Yet ultimately, the battle gets fought in the mind.
In Song of Solomon 8:8-9, we read what the bride’s brothers
have to say about their sister:
“We have a little
sister, And she has no breasts; What shall we do for our
sister On the day when she is spoken for? If she is a
wall, We shall build on her a battlement of silver; But
if she is a door, We shall barricade her with planks of
cedar.”
About the time she reached puberty, they took some
responsibility for her moral actions. As Glickman explains in A
Song for Lovers,
They devise a simple but effective formula for success. If
she is a wall they will ‘build on her a battlement of silver.’
That means that if she is virtuous and firm against boys’
advances, they’ll reward her, trying to improve on what is
already good…Yet if she is a door, they would enclose her with
planks of cedar. In other words, if she is as open as a door to
advances, they would have to be stricter with her to prevent her
hurting herself for marriage. If she could handle
responsibility, they would give it to her; but if not, she would
be restricted.
Apparently, between then and the time leading to her
engagement, she grew and developed as a woman of moral purity.
Here in 8:10 is her later response:
“I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers; Then I became
in his eyes as one who finds peace.”
Her breasts were respected. No one touched her. As Jody
Dillow wrote in Solomon on Sex, her breasts, though “ready for
love, were inaccessible.” “Then” in this verse is very emphatic
in the original language. It seems to imply that her purity
played a factor in his attraction to her.
