Most of us do not initially learn about sex
from our parents, even though our parents may be Christian. "I
looked up 'Sex' in the encyclopedia when I hit sixth grade,"
shared a young bride-to-be whose parents expected her to figure
things out on her own. Another woman explained, "I read The
Joy of Sex. I found the drawings highly amusing."
"I'd been introduced to sex through Playboy magazines
placed care-lessly on a neighbor's coffee table," writes Kathy
Peel in Today's Christian Woman. "Even as an 8-year-old,
I had lasting impressions of those images. They made me think
women were only objects men used for their own pleasure. Then a
frightening experience with a boy from junior high further
scarred my most fundamental thoughts about sex. Although I
wasn't actually raped, he forced me into a dark bathroom and
sexually abused me. In the early years of our marriage, I found
it difficult to reconcile these memories with my role as a wife.
My desires to please my husband and enjoy sexual intimacy were
in conflict with my feelings of anger and guilt. I asked God to
renew my mind with his perspective on sex."
At one end of the spectrum there are those who have learned
from their parents or in church that sex is "dirty." The whole
process is shrouded in shame. One of my nurses said, "My mom
still insists on undressing in the dark. My dad has never seen
her undress in their decades of marriage."
The daughter of Russian author Leo Tolstoy wrote in her
journal of her mother's attitude about sex: "I am very happy to
think that I am a virgin and have not had to undergo that
fearful humiliation all married women suffer, as Mother's
remarks have made so clear to me; she was so ashamed the morning
after her wedding that she did not want to leave her room. She
hid her face in the pillow and cried. I am proud not to have
known that and I wish I may never know it!"2
Even if we are exposed to healthy attitudes about sex, most
people participating in premarital sex report experiencing their
first sexual encounters against a backdrop of fears about
pregnancy and a need to rush to keep from getting caught.
According to surveys, almost everyone has had unwanted, powerful
sexual fantasies, has masturbated or has looked at something
pornographic. In addressing a Baptist youth group recently, the
youth leader learned that only one member had never viewed an
X-rated or NC-17 movie—the pastor's son.
About 82 percent of our young people have had sexual
relations with a member of the opposite sex by age 19. This
means less than one-fifth of newlyweds will be virgins.
Furthermore, before they even graduate from high school,
one-fifth of all students will have had at least four partners.
And if current trends continue, a majority of today's high
school students will live with a sex partner prior to getting
married. In a large proportion of those situations, the
cohabitants will never marry each other, although they will have
sexual relations with each other many times before dissolving
the relationship.
The human mind has an amazing ability to sometimes remember
the very details we most need to forget. Fantasies, graphic
movie scenes and personal experiences follow couples into their
intimate life together, usually to their detriment.
Our minds are in need of repair. We need confession and
cleansing, understanding and a reworking of our thoughts and
attitudes. Having worked with couples for years as a physician
and now as a pastor, I have noticed that many problems and
questions follow fairly consistent patterns. So here is a
representative sampling gleaned from the office and from
marriage seminar participants. If a question has been asked
repeatedly by women and generally not by men (or vice versa), I
have indicated this by wording the question from a
gender-specific point of view.
Let’s examine some commonly asked questions that should be
settled in each person’s mind prior to marrying. Some of them
need to be nailed down very early on in a relationship or even
before dating begins.
