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You have probably seen the picture many times before. Some
prominent person, usually a politician or statesman, is
standing before the podium of some university adorned in full
academic regalia. He is addressing the graduates and guests,
having himself just been awarded an honorary degree. Not a bad
deal: show up and give a speech, and forever after you get to
be called "Dr." so and so. None of the rigors of academic
study, but you get the title anyway.
I am afraid that
too often we men act as if we have been awarded an honorary
title called "Family Leader." Very few of us would question
that the title belongs to us by God's design, and it does. We
nod appreciatively whenever we hear a speaker mention the fact
that a man is in charge of his home. We enjoy the trappings of
the office, like sitting at the head of the table or being the
primary driver of the family vehicle. But family leadership is
more than titles and cultural perks. If we want to wear the
title with integrity we will not be content to accept it as if
it were an unearned degree; we will earn it through the hard
work of actually leading our families.
We have
previously addressed the need for the man to be the Priest of
his family by leading in family worship and engaging in
spiritual warfare on their behalf through intercessory prayer.
We have also written of his role as family Policy-Maker, the
one who must establish the guidelines and principles by which
he, his wife and children operate in every sphere of their
lives. Now we come to the matter of the father as Program
Director.
Hands-On Leadership
The concept of
Program Director immediately suggests immediacy. It is a
"hands-on" title. A Program Director is the one who actually
sees that a program is carried out. He receives his orders
from a board or an executive, but he is the one on the front
line assuring that the plan is executed. Others may plan the
work, but he works the plan. In the case of a father it is the
Lord who is his superior, his Chief Executive, his Head (1
Cor. 11:3), and the Lord has appointed the father as the
Program Director for the family.
It may seem at first
thought that if the man is the Policy-Maker (under the Lord)
in the way we defined that role in the last issue, then the
wife must be the Program Director. After all, her role is to
carry out her husband's plans for the home. This is true, but
we must not view the man's role as simply setting up
guidelines for family operation and then stepping back and
letting his wife take over. He must maintain a day-by-day
oversight of the actual execution of the policies he sets
forth. He must be an involved leader. Yes, his wife assists
him by carrying out his plans; but she is his assistant, his
helper (Gen. 2:18), and that implies that he is also involved
in the process. She is the Assistant Program
Director.
The great challenge to implementing the
concept of the father as the hands-on leader in the home is
the fact that most fathers are absent from the home for the
greater part of most days. His occupation generally requires
him to be gone about ten hours a day, including most (if not
all) of the time typically given over to home education. On
top of this, he may have other commitments like church
ministries which take him away from the family all evening
once or twice or even more each week.
We meet here the
heart of the challenge of modern family life for the home
educator. The process of homeschooling cries out for the
restoration of biblical roles for the man and woman in the
home. It cries out for the restoration of the leadership role
of the father at a moment in history in which fathers are not
there to do the job. This tension has led many families to
abandon home education as too emotionally costly: the wife
simply cannot bear the burden in the absence of her
husband.
Getting Dad Home
Many homeschoolers
have come to the conclusion that the movement toward restoring
the family to its biblical responsibilities in education may
necessitate another movement: that of the fathers back to the
home-based business for their livelihood. The logic is almost
inescapable. If the home is to be reinvigorated by the
resumption of the educational role, then it must have all of
its resources available, and this certainly includes the
father.
We must be wary of idealizing the past and
imagining that our forefathers did not have any challenges in
carrying out their God-given callings, but we must also
acknowledge that the modern day has some unique difficulties.
Industrialization has led fathers away from the home for their
employment in greater numbers than has ever been the case
before. The big question is this: Is it possible or even
desirable to "turn back the clock" and bring fathers back
home?
Writing about the need for fathers to be
"available" to their families a writer in a national Christian
magazine recently had this to say: "They need to be part of
their children's lives. Admittedly, today's societal
structures mitigate against this. The day of the family farm
when families worked, ate, played, and worshipped together is
past. So it will take planning, effort, and sacrifice to
fulfill this part of successful fatherhood."
Many
homeschooling fathers are saying: "The day of the family farm
may indeed be past for our nation as a whole, but as for me
and my house, we are going to get as close to it as possible.
We are at least going to pray and work toward my having a home
business or a family business (operated at a place other than
our home, but with the family members involved)." Again, the
homeschooling option seems eventually to carry most of its
practitioners to consider some way to get dad
home.
Making Changes
Whether Dad is able to
"come home" or not, the author quoted above is right in saying
that we still need to make whatever sacrifices necessary to
fulfill our responsibilities. If we cannot have a home
business, then we had better work all the harder to practice
hands-on leadership. This may mean eliminating those evening
commitments to the church or the political action group. A
father has no business pouring his energy and time into other
callings until he has maximized his contribution to his own
family.
He may even need to change occupations. If the
job requires twelve to fourteen hours a day on a consistent
basis, thus eliminating the possibility of his directing the
affairs of his household effectively, then there is only one
solution: he should find another job that permits him to do
his most important job. Surely God is able and willing to give
a man employment that allows him to be obedient in his family
calling.
Just getting the father back home is, of
course, no guarantee that he is going to actually become the
Program Director of his family. Whether home a little or a lot
he may not be much good to the family if he is emotionally
absent from the home. The emotionally absent father is
characterized by a lack of interest in what is going on in the
home and with the children. He may be distracted by his
vocation, his ministry, his hobbies, or by that champion
motivation-destroyer, the television. He may be passive about
the conduct of the household and hopes his wife will take care
of whatever problems arise. He may be lazy and without the
desire to exert himself by getting involved in the day to day
hassles of family life.
Such a man needs of good dose
of repentance. It is a sin to neglect his role in the home,
and no excuses about a lack of role models or a lack of energy
can cover up his basic need to get serious about his most
important responsibility. If a man is lacking the motivation
to lead his family he needs to pray for his Father in heaven
to share some of his Father's heart, to give him an affection
and love for his wife and children that will drive him toward
involvement. He needs to ask God to turn his heart toward his
children and then begin to act like that turning had been
accomplished.
Assignment and Report
Now let's
get down to some practical application of all these
principles. One way in which a man can begin to act like the
Program Director in his home is through a daily Assignment and
Report system. This is especially important for the man who
must leave home for the better part of the day to
work.
In the morning before he leaves for work (or the
night before if his morning departure is too early) the father
takes a few minutes with his wife (and optionally the
children) to go over the Assignment for the day. This would
include especially the school schedule, including specific
lessons for the children. However, it would also encompass
household chores, family projects, and other activities
planned for the day. The purpose is to have a common
understanding between husband and wife. He is announcing his
plan for his household for the day; she is affirming the plan
and her intention to carry it out.
When he returns in
the evening he takes a few minutes once again. This time he
checks in with both his wife and children to get a Report on
how the plan was carried out during his absence. His wife
reports on the school lessons and the other activities, making
special note of the attitude of the children through the day.
Dad looks at some of the school work and asks the children
about their day. What is happening here is that he is holding
both Mom and the children accountable for their work while he
was gone. He in turn is getting the information he needs to be
accountable to his heavenly Boss concerning his little
domain.
This simple system has the great benefit of
keeping the focus on the father as the leader. By verifying
the plan before the day starts and checking up on it after the
fact, he is at least twice daily functioning in his leadership
role. This is good for him as it keeps him involved and
responsible. It is good for the children as they realize who
is in charge and respect their father as a genuine authority
in the home. But this system is especially good for
Mom.
Relieving Mom
Mother is relieved of a great
burden God never meant her to bear. She was created to help
her husband and carry out his decisions. She was not meant to
make the big decisions and enforce them on the
children.
Now during the day her role is simply that of
carrying out the father's program. The children view her in a
different light than if the dad were not involved. She is not
the Slave Driver who is making the children finish their math
or the Spoilsport who insists that they practice their piano
for a full half-hour when they have other things they would
rather do. Now she is the Friend and Helper of the children.
She is simply trying to help the children meet Father's
expectations, and if they are wise they will accept her help.
She need not get into a big fight with them about doing their
work and keeping a good attitude. The power play is not
between her and the children; it is between Father and the
children.
She is relieved of being the stand-in head of
the family as the focus is back where it belongs: on Dad. She
can blossom in her nurturing and supportive role when she does
not have imposed upon her the alien role of director and
enforcer. This does not mean that she does not give directions
and enforce them during the day, but the focus has changed.
She represents a higher authority to whom the children will
give an account at the end of the day.
This Assignment
and Report process is a simple way for the uninvolved father
to begin to exercise hands-on leadership in his home. Even if
the wife is still doing most of the homeschool planning, he
can find out about her plan and give it his stamp of approval
at the start of each day. It then becomes his plan.
At
this moment in history most of us fathers may need to be
physically absent from the home during the day, but that does
not mean that we cannot be directing the affairs of our home
all day long. It just takes a little more forethought and
planning. But then, isn't that what leadership is all about?
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