|
My son, keep your father's commands and do not forsake your
mother's teaching. Bind them upon your heart forever; fasten
them around your neck. When you walk, they will guide you;
when you sleep, they will watch over you; when you awake, they
will speak to you. For these commands are a lamp, this
teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are a
way of life... Proverbs 6:20-23
Previously in this
space we have observed that many of us have inherited our
first father Adam's penchant for avoiding responsibility. He
sat by and watched his wife succumb to temptation, and then he
acted the coward by trying to deflect the Lord's accusing
finger away from himself and toward his wife.
We have
also affirmed the need for godly men to take charge of their
families, to accept the stark fact of their accountability to
God for those under their charge. In the last issue we began
to address the ways a father can begin to reestablish his
place as head of his family: the first and most important step
is for him to serve as the "family priest." This means, at a
minimum, that he should daily 1) lead his family in worship of
God and 2) pray a hedge of protection around them as he
intercedes for God's blessings on their behalf.
Another
role we have identified as necessary for successful leadership
in the home is that of policy-maker. The father must speak the
commands that serve as a lamp to guide his family in a godly
way of life. He must proclaim the policies which will direct
his family as they walk through their days.
My
dictionary defines the word "policy" this way: "a: a definite
course or method of action selected from among alternatives
and in light of given conditions to guide and determine
present and future decisions; b: a high-level overall plan
embracing the general goals and acceptable procedures
especially of a governmental body."
The foundational
governmental body in this world is the family unit. At its
head God has placed the man. As head he is responsible to
establish the policies by which the family operates. He
articulates the overall plan, the general goals, and the
acceptable procedures which provide the family with a definite
course of action and guide their decision
making.
Proverbs 6:20 speaks of the "father's commands"
and the "mother's teaching" (literally: "law"). Verse 23 then
creates the picture of these commands being a lamp and these
teachings or laws a light. As the lamp the father's commands
are the source of guidance for the family. The wife's job is
to draw from the father's general guidance and illuminate the
family with the particular application of his commands. He
pronounces the policies and she applies them to the details of
home life.
Obviously a godly man is not going to create
family policies out of his own imagination. He is himself
going to be guided by the Word of God which is called "a lamp
to my feet and a light for my path" (Psalm 119:105). His
commands will be rooted in the commands of his
God.
Very few homes today even among Christians have
any clearly-defined policies by which the family operates.
Most are simply swept along by the current of whatever values
are popular among their peer-families and by the sheer
busyness that substitutes for any real plan of action for
family life. It is a lot easier to go with the flow than to
step back and set goals based on biblical priorities and
establish plans and procedures to reach those
goals.
The Most Important Vocation
It is
amazing the contrast that often exists between the way a man
functions at his place of employment and how he conducts
himself at home. On the job he may be engaged in a process of
"management by objectives," subjecting every facet of his work
to careful assessment, planning based on those assessments,
rational implementation procedures, and follow-up evaluations
of the whole process. Yet at home he may act like he hasn't a
clue of the direction the family ought to take; he waits for
things to happen and then reacts, making ad hoc decisions (if
he makes any at all) by which he "leads" the
family.
Fathers today must learn to view their calling
of headship in the home as the most important vocation they
have. They must make the family their highest priority and
apply their very best energies to effective leadership
there.
This will require two vital qualities of
personal character. A father needs to take initiative to be
the policy-maker in his home. He cannot wait until problems
are manifested and then merely take corrective action; he
cannot wait for his wife to point the way. He is the human
source of direction for the family and ought to take the first
step.
He also needs courage. It is sometimes
frightening to bear the mantle of responsibility, but the
father simply must learn to embrace the burden of decision
making rather than running from it.
As he begins to
function as the family policy maker there are several key
areas that he must address: personal and institutional
relationships, education, use of time, use of money, and
family convictions. In each of these areas the father is
responsible to establish the overall plan and procedures for
his household. He must make the decisions which will shape his
family's life.
Relationships. Relationships are the
content of life. Beyond our relationship with our Creator we
have contact continuously with people individually or grouped
into a variety of institutions (family, church, school, club,
ministry group, political action group, etc.). These
relationship are the source of the greatest influences upon us
and our loved ones, and they are the arena in which we can
have the most influence upon others.
The father must
decided what relationships his family will have. Which church
will they attend? Which school, if any? Will his children be
in any youth groups or clubs? If so, which ones? Will he or
any members of his family be involved in pro-life activities?
With which ministry?
What rules will govern the
children in playing with neighbor children? Are there any
restrictions as to whom they can associate with? Any
restricted activities? Can they visit neighbor homes to play
with friends? What are they allowed to do there?
As the
primary gatekeeper for his home, it is the father's job to
control who has access to his wife and children and to
regulate with whom they come into contact and for what
purposes. To not make decisions in this area is to decide to
allow others to control the influences on the
family.
Education. We have discussed previously how
common it is for fathers to abdicate their role of leadership
in the homeschool setting. This is part of a general tendency
in our culture for decisions related to the children to be
made by Mom. But here is a perfect opportunity for Dad to
reclaim his headship.
First of all, it is his call
whether the children attend a school or not and which one.
Then if the decision is to homeschool he must take charge of
it. Which curriculum to use, whether to coop with another
family, what daily and annual schedules the family follows,
whether and when to return a child to a school—these are all
policy issues that he must settle.
The day to day
implementation of these policies can be left to his wife, but
she ought to have the foundation of his general guidance as a
basis for her own decisions. He speaks the "commandments" for
the household, she uses these to frame its "laws".
Use
of Time. In too many Christian homes today there is no
rational control of the schedule. Families are tyrannized by
the urgent demands of church, youth groups, sports teams,
field trips, birthday parties, part-time jobs, and on and on
it goes. It is common for families to be so busy with
seemingly good activities that they have no time left for the
best: quiet family times for conversation, reading, worship,
play—the stuff of which memories are made and by which
unbreakable bonds of love are woven.
The policy-maker
in the home can have some of his greatest influence by taking
charge of the family schedule. He should determine when the
members of the family arise in the morning, when they worship
together, when they eat, when they retire at night. He should
lay down the rules that will decide whether the children can
be involved in out-of-home activities, and if so, which ones.
When the school year begins and ends is his call, along with
when vacations and other breaks in the routine
occur.
Above all else he must guard against the insane
busyness that characterizes modern family life. If things are
out of control and the family members simply meet each other
coming and going, he is the one who must call a halt to the
rat race and establish time priorities that will build rather
than fragment his family.
Use of Money. One sign of a
well-ordered home is that the man takes charge of the
finances. This does not mean necessarily that he has to
maintain the checkbook, but he must create the policies for
the family concerning spending, tithing, saving, and debt, as
well as the policy for children's allowances or pay for
work.
Will the family live on a budget? If so, he
should draw it up. What are the spending priorities? Does the
family tithe? Where does the tithe go? How much of income is
saved? What can savings be spent for? Will the family ever go
into debt? If so, for what purposes? Do the children get an
allowance or are they paid for work, or neither?
The
wife should know the boundaries within which she is free too
spend money on a week to week basis. Too many men try to
assuage a guilty conscience brought on by a lack of family
leadership by allowing their wives to become shopping addicts.
She should be able to find her joy in a husband who cares
enough to carefully manage the family finances rather than in
the cheap thrill of a loaded credit card.
Family
Convictions. There are many beliefs and practices concerning
which Christian families will come to different conclusions.
Whether matters of doctrine or lifestyle, it is the father who
must determine where his family stands on the
issues.
What do we believe about baptism? about
spiritual gifts? about the end times? Father, as the family
teacher and the one who will give an account for the rest of
his household, must shape the convictions of his family on
doctrinal points.
What kind of music do we listen to?
What kind of movies or videos, if any, will we watch? Do we go
shopping on the Lord's Day? What are our standards for modest
attire?
Of course many of the questions that pertain to
relationships, education, time, and money are also questions
of conviction: Do I want my children in peer-oriented youth
groups? Is home education God's mandate for my family? Is
family worship an essential part of each day's schedule?
Should my family get completely out of debt or is a home
mortgage acceptable?
These and many other lifestyle
issues we could name are matters of personal conviction that
must become matters of family conviction under the leadership
of the head of the home.
Being a True
Husband
The origin of the word "husband" suggests
stewardship and prudent management. A "husbandman" is one who
cultivates land. The wise husband/father will, of course,
cultivate his wife and fully utilize her gifts and wisdom in
reaching his decisions.
Godly leadership is not defined
as tyrannically making independent decisions without regard to
the opinions and needs of others. Quite the opposite. True
masculine leadership mobilizes the strengths of others in
carrying out its mandates. A wise husband will view his wife
as his best counselor; he will seek out her opinions and
cherish her perspectives; he will consider her needs and do
what he believes is best for her.
He will not, however,
defer to his wife in a way that effectively transfers to her
the decision making process in the home. She must help him
reach his decisions and then submit to them and seek to carry
out his will to the best of her ability.
He leads, she
implements. He commands, she creates the laws. He makes the
policies, she carries them out. Because that is God's plan for
a family, and it is the path of blessing.
|
 |