If
I were creating a hero, I would not have imagined Guido Orefice, the
protagonist in the Italian romantic comedy Life Is Beautiful.
Isn't it ironic that a story where the protagonist loses his life
should feel so joyful? Americans rarely notice a foreign film with
subtitles, but this movie transcended language and culture because it
captured the sacrificial love that all of us, in the deepest corner of
our souls, long to experience. Dora didn't have to get on that train to
the gulag, but she gave up her comfortable life to be near her husband
and son. Guido literally sacrificed his life for his wife and his son.
Both were heroes, and the world celebrated by awarding this film three
Academy Awards.
When it comes to depicting a hero, James Bond can't compare with Guido
Orefice. We may think we need a superhero with mighty powers to rescue
us from injustice. The people of Israel were looking for a military
hero to rescue them from the Roman occupation. But Jesus had a higher
mission: to die for His beloved. Is there any love more powerful than
that?
Romans 5:12-21 compares the first man, Adam, with the first perfect
man, Jesus. It is at their points of greatest danger — for Adam, at the
tree of the knowledge of good and evil; for Christ, in the Garden of
Gethsemane — that their dramas reach the climax.
Will Adam, after listening to the serpent, accept Eve's invitation to eat, or will he resist and try to save her?
Will Christ accept His Father's will and give Himself as the sacrificial lamb for His beloved?
Both Adam and Jesus faced a choice: to heroically sacrifice himself for
the good of the bride, or to take the easy way of escape.
The latter is the way of the coward.
The former is the way of the hero.
Adam chose the way of the coward.
Jesus chose the hero's sacrifice.
Adam's choice gives me the excuse to take the coward's path in marriage.
Jesus' choice provides me with the opportunity to be the hero to my wife.
Having a Christ-like Attitude in Marriage
Why is this significant? Because in life, and especially marriage, I am
instructed to have the same mindset as Christ. In Philippians 2:5-8, I
might start it this way: "Your attitude toward your spouse should be
the same as that of Christ Jesus;
Who, being in the very nature God, did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very
nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in
appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death —
even death on a cross!
The phrase "made himself nothing" can also be translated "emptied
himself." The selfish man is full of himself. Jesus Christ emptied
Himself. A selfish marriage consists of husband and wife demanding
their own rights. The heroic marriage reflects Jesus Christ, who gave
up His rights as deity. The selfish spouse insists on being served. The
humble spouse becomes a servant.
You may have heard many messages on Ephesians 5:22-33 or read
explanations in books. It seems ironic that teachings on this passage
concentrate on the roles — wives submit, husbands lead. Those roles are
certainly there. But I am struck with this fact: Both the husband and
wife are instructed to follow the example of Christ! Jesus is the model
for both headship and submission.
Take, for example, these words: "Submit to one another out of reverence
for Christ. Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Our culture
hates the word submission. It goes against human nature to be humble
and submit to anyone — especially to a husband who may be difficult to
respect. Submission is considered demeaning, and in one sense the
culture is right. It is demeaning. I read again from Philippians 2:
Jesus Christ…made himself nothing
He took the nature of a servant
He became obedient to the point of death
The most glorious God of creation, submitting to His Father's will,
gave up all His rights and privileges and glory as God. Isn't that
demeaning? Absolutely! But He did it willingly in order to serve a
spouse who didn't deserve His respect. God asks us to do likewise, not
for our personal fulfillment, but to reflect His heart. That's why
husband and wife can submit to one another. That's why a wife can
submit to her husband.
A husband also is instructed to follow Christ's example, for that is
how he can truly love his wife. I might paraphrase the instructions of
Ephesians 5 to husbands: "Al, give up your rights and be the hero to
your wife, just as Christ was the hero to the church and gave Himself
up for her."
We know what heroism looks like. From the soldier who throws himself on
a live grenade to save his buddies to the daughter working 16-hour days
to care for her aging mother, at the heart of every hero is
self-sacrifice — laying down one’s own life or self for another. When
God entered human history and sacrificed His life to redeem ours, He
was carrying out the most heroic act of all time. In the process, He
modeled what it means to have a heroic marriage.
The example of Jesus forces me to make a choice. Will I do what feels
good, what I think will make me happy? Or will I do the right thing and
take whatever courageous action is necessary for the good of my
marriage?
God shows me how to love heroically by the fact that He never gave up
on His love for humanity. His marriage was so important that He paid
the highest price possible to have it — He sacrificed His life for His
bride. Why did Jesus do this? Because doing it made him happy? No! The
agony He suffered in Gethsemane conclusively shows how distraught this
sacrifice made Him. He endured the suffering for His future happiness.
This is the conclusion of Scripture: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the
author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him
endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand
of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2, italics added)
Jesus wanted a bride — the church. He couldn't have her without being
the hero. He didn't enjoy being the hero, but He did it for the joy He
knew would eventually be His.
How to Gain Happiness in Marriage
Is marriage about happiness? Yes, but we don't gain it by demanding it
now. We don't obtain it by insisting on self-fulfillment in the
relationship. Expectations that my spouse will make me happy inevitably
lead to disappointment.
The Masterpiece Marriage of God with Israel, of Christ and His beloved church, brings me to this conclusion:
Meaning in marriage is not found by pursuing happiness or self-fulfillment.
Meaning in marriage is discovered by practicing self-sacrifice.
How does this play out in daily life? In much the same way it happens
for an athlete. If a team wants to win a championship, every player
must sacrifice daily by training and following the coach's
instructions.
I have numerous opportunities every day to give up what I want to do
and instead serve my wife. In this way, I glorify God because my
sacrifice is a reflection of His heart and how He loves His bride. I've
finally realized that my marriage is satisfying to the degree that I
daily sacrifice myself for Jo's good. What does that mean?
It means biting my tongue when I would rather defend myself against something she said.
It means hugging her when she says she's feeling tired rather than asking her if she's taken her vitamins lately.
It's getting up in the middle of the night when a child cries rather than pretending I don't hear anything.
It means putting down my reading material and really listening when she wants to talk.
It means taking over some chores when she's got a hectic day.
It means cleaning the kitchen Sunday evening rather than leaving the mess for her to face on Monday morning.
It means that when I am accidentally exposed to porn while channel
surfing in a hotel room far from home, I shut off the television
because I won't allow any impure thoughts to invade my marriage.
God's Ministry Through Marriage
Marriage is about something bigger than the two of us. Marriage is one
of God's primary means of speaking to the world, and the world does
take notice when a man truly loves His wife the way Christ loves His
church. An athlete doesn't enjoy the pain of serious training. But he
trains for the future reward of winning. This is the challenge for
marriage — to sacrifice my momentary definition of happiness for the
long-term good of my spouse, thus reflecting God's heart and earning
His praise, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Marriage becomes a masterpiece when I choose to surrender my
selfishness and give myself to my wife. That is a daily challenge. But
as hard as it is for me to love as Christ loves, I think wives have a
harder job submitting to their husbands as to Christ. I can think of
many an evening when I've thanked Jo for preparing another wonderful
meal, and she has said, "I didn't feel like fixing dinner tonight."
What compelled her to do it? Sure, she knows that her husband and
family expect it. But it is also her sacrifice for Christ.
I wish my wife and I could say we succeed in always loving each other
sacrificially. Of course, we fail often, but one consolation is that we
are in the game. Every athlete knows he can't be a hero unless he is
actually playing in the game. Every day Jo and I have new opportunities
to demonstrate sacrificial love, and when we fail, our marriage
covenant reminds us that the next day we have another chance to try
again to get it right.
