Jo
and I were living in a Portland suburb with our two small boys and
newborn baby girl. One hot summer night, we pitched a tent in the back
yard for the boys. As Joshua and Jonathan drifted off to sleep, the
couple behind our house began to fight. Since none of us in the
neighborhood had air-conditioning, and it was too hot to close the
windows, everyone heard the argument, punctuated by louder and
increasing uses of the “f” word. Amazingly, our sons slept through the
battle. Finally we heard a loud slap of hand hitting flesh, followed by
a woman’s wail. The argument was over.
It was hard to imagine that those two people ever cared for one
another, let alone stood in front of an altar pledging to love and
cherish each other until death.
Most of us know we shouldn’t eavesdrop on a marital spat, but when we
inadvertently hear one, it’s almost impossible to ignore. Consumed with
uncontrollable passion and rage, the combatants aren’t thinking about
who might overhear. These are not civil discussions characterized by
cold indifference. When lovers quarrel, sparks fly!
An Angry or Loving God?
There are many people today who say they can't accept the God of the
Old Testament because He is so judgmental. His wrath scares people, and
with good reason. Sometimes it feels as though God's anger is totally
out of control. Naturally, many people prefer to worship only a God of
love. They view God as a caring deity who would never hurt anyone. On
the other hand, some of these same people get angry with a loving God
whom they perceive to be indifferent to their suffering. They would
like to see God execute justice on those who hurt them.
So which God is He — a God of love, or a God of anger? I found it
difficult to reconcile the two until I began to see God as a jilted
lover. Because He loves so passionately, He gets angry when His love is
spurned. In that context, God's wild emotions make sense.
John Eldredge has described reading the prophets as the equivalent of
overhearing a man and wife fighting in the next room. That's a pretty
accurate assessment. When we think about how we've been hurt in our
relationships, we recognize many of the same emotions in God's
indictment of Israel. I've concluded that God loves His people with
great passion, and the evidence of that passion is most apparent when
He angrily confronts idolatry. It's not unlike a man catching his wife
in bed with another lover.
The Bible records many heated encounters between God and Israel. Most
of the marital fights are rather one-sided; God does most of the
yelling. After listening to Him for a while, I have to wonder what
person in his right mind would put up with such an unfaithful spouse.
God considered the nation of Israel His wife. He’d made a covenant with
Abraham and his descendents — an irrevocable commitment. He was hurt —
just as anyone of us would be — when His wife committed adultery. But
the worst feeling came when His beloved not only was seduced by other
lovers (other gods) but actively chose to pursue those worthless
imitations. How could she worship wood and stone replicas of creation
when she was married to the One who created all things? To God, this
was inconceivable!
When I set aside my assumptions about the God I've worshiped in nice
churches for 40-plus years, I'd say He sounds a lot like a frantic
lover who will say and do almost anything to save His marriage. Well,
perhaps that is the case. Maybe my modern image of God is too tame.
When I read the prophets, I hear God's heart breaking. But He wasn't
simply a complaining God. He took action and disciplined Israel with
tough love. There had to be a separation for a while, so that issues
could be dealt with and healing might occur. This relationship was far
too important to let things slide. God wanted His love back, and He was
determined to do whatever was necessary to accomplish that.
Fighting for Marriage
I can't help but be impressed with how hard God fights for His
marriage. If there is one very alarming trend now in the culture, it's
the number of "amicable" divorces. I hear of couples simply drifting
apart. They say they don't love each other anymore; there is no
passion, so they go their separate ways. There is no battle at all for
the marriage. Is it because couples don't expect much from their
marriages? We fight passionately for those things we care most about.
It occurs to me as I review passage after passage of God's challenges
to His beloved that maybe His anger shows us when and how to fight
within a marriage. First, God's complaints are based on the covenant.
It's interesting that He held the people of Israel to a much higher
standard than other nations. He had given Himself to them as their God,
and they had agreed to be faithful to Him alone. Heaven forbid that God
should ever go back on His word, but if He had, the people could have
rightly called Him to account.
In fact, there is one situation where that happened. God was angry with
His people after they built a golden calf to worship while God was
giving Moses the law on Mount Sinai. God told Moses to get out of His
way so He could destroy them. "Then,” He said, “I will make you into a
great nation." You’d think this was a golden opportunity for Moses. But
Moses didn't see it that way. He appealed to God: "Remember your
servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel to whom you swore by your own self:
‘I will make your descendents as numerous as the stars.’"
Moses had every right to challenge God based on the covenant. Because
of that appeal, God relented and did not follow through on His threat.
God, likewise, had every right to challenge Israel's unfaithfulness,
and He did so based on the fact that they were married.
A friend of mine, Pete, struggled with an addiction to pornography, and
when his wife discovered the problem, she confronted him. At first he
dismissed her accusations. "This is no big deal," he said. "Why are you
upset?"
"Because we're married," she calmly explained through her tears. "I
love you. I'm here for you. You don't need these other women."
"But they're just pictures!" he protested. "They mean nothing."
"Then give them up," his wife pleaded.
But my friend didn't. Pete simply did a better job of hiding the
evidence. Once I became aware of his struggle, I would occasionally ask
him how he was doing, and every time he would say he had the problem
under control. But gradually I saw him less and less frequently. Pete's
wife was right to be concerned, for over time her husband's problems
increased. He started calling 900 numbers and visiting strip clubs.
When she discovered the evidence on credit card bills, they had a far
greater confrontation. Despite her evidence, Pete refused to admit he
had a problem and get help. We’ll come back to Pete in a minute.
Patient, But Not Passive
My second observation is God's astonishing patience. I find this hard
to understand, for in our culture, we have a quick-fix mentality. We
don't allow much time for a person to change. But God spent hundreds of
years fighting for this marriage. He continually reached out to His
beloved. "Come back to me!" He'd plead. Sometimes she did. Occasionally
hard times were required — famine or conquest by enemies — to bring her
to her senses. Then she'd cry out for mercy and God always responded.
My human attitude would have been to let her stew a little longer in
her misery — it served her right.
It's sad how many couples aren't willing to persevere. But in a
self-centered society, if I'm not happy, I don't have much patience. I
want my happiness now!
Finally, I note that God isn't passive about the problems of His
marriage. God didn't just endure Israel's unfaithfulness. He didn't
simply vent His emotions; He also took constructive action. For Israel
that meant tough love. That meant separation for a time so she could
work out her problems.
There is nothing spiritual about being a doormat. A spouse doesn't need
to endure unending abuse, whether physical or emotional. When a husband
abuses his wife and demands she submit and accept that abuse, it's
wrong. This is not the love that was promised in the covenant.
Pete's wife exercised tough love when he refused to deal honestly with
his sexual addiction. After she confronted him with the evidence, she
insisted he move out. "I do not want a divorce," she said. "I love you,
Pete. But what you are doing is wrong. It is hurting me and it is
hurting our children. We cannot continue to live this way. When you are
willing to get help and become the man God created you to be, then I
will welcome you back."
These words and actions were a wake-up call for Pete. He did seek help,
and though there were several setbacks, the couple were reconciled a
year later. Without his wife's tough love, I seriously doubt whether
Pete would have changed.
My conclusion from Scripture is that if God feels His marriage is worth fighting for, mine is worth fighting for, too.
