It would be absurd to address the issue of
marriage and not include sex. Unless a fellow has some type of
medical problem or a psychological condition that causes him to
be uninterested in sex, it is usually at the forefront of his
mind. For that reason, I want to fight through the awkwardness
of the subject and be candid about it.
The best advice I can give my son regarding the sexual union
between a husband and wife is that he must always remember that
to offer her the best experience possible, sex should be a
progressive event. I like to compare it to shifting gears in a
standard transmission vehicle. To start in "high" gear is a
serious mistake.
Not long after I acquired my first motorcycle, I took Annie
for a ride. Having limited opportunity to learn how to handle a
passenger, I was preoccupied with keeping the bike from tipping
over. When we came to a stop sign, the grade was slightly
uphill. I was so involved in not stalling the motor that I
forgot to shift into first before we stopped. When the highway
was clear we started to move forward. The engine revved but the
fifth gear could not handle the load. The engine strained and
died. We started rolling backward, so I squeezed the brake
lever. The bike started to tip. At that moment, Annie responded
to her natural tendency to put her feet down to keep from
falling. When she did, one of her bare legs touched the hot
exhaust pipe. The result was a nasty burn as her skin bubbled
under the heat.
What does this have to do with sex? When a fellow gets caught
up in passion and attempts to go to top gear with his wife,
things can easily stall out. While he likely knows what to do
when a gasoline engine sputters, sometimes husbands are not so
quick to remember that when it comes to sex, wives need them to
start in first, or low, gear.
This is where Philippians 2 comes back into play: "Con-sider
your wife’s needs as more important than your own" (my
paraphrase of verse 3). When a man puts his wife’s ful-fillment
on the top line of his list of priorities, he creates an
environment for quality passion. Putting the vehicle in first
gear can be done by understanding and acting out the wisdom
found in the old adage, "Sex begins in the kitchen!" The
implication of this quip is not that he should clear out a place
on the linoleum by moving the table and chairs out of the way.
Instead, it suggests that he be attentive to her needs outside
the bedroom so she will feel loved for who she is, not what she
is. Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, gassing up her car,
mulching her garden and cleaning the windows are all considered
part of sensual foreplay by a woman. It’s hard for some guys to
believe this, but if they would just ask their gals, they would
discover it is true!
Second gear is reached when the husband approaches sex
with sensitivity to his wife’s schedule or energy level. Trying
to get things rolling after her eyes are drooping with
exhaus-tion is not a good idea. A tired woman is rarely a
willing or enthusiastic participant in the physical union.
Shifting into third gear is a matter of privacy and
safety. If your kids, for example, are nearby, it is normally
not in her nature to give complete attention to the experience.
It’s not that she is a bad lover; instead, it’s because she is a
good mother. While a man may find excitement at any given
moment, conditions need to be right for a woman. A hus-band who
makes it his job to arrange for the most private of intimate
times with his wife will find their time together much more
enjoyable.
Fourth gear has several teeth in it: 1) consistently
going to bed at the same time she does only when a husband wants
"something" is a turn off for the wife. Being careful to be
between the sheets with her just to talk is wise; 2) another
tooth in the gear is maintaining good hygiene. Showering,
smelling good, brushing teeth, washing hair, and so on are
always advised before getting "close" to a woman; 3)
under-standing what turns her off is as important as knowing
what turns her on. Some women fiercely dislike certain sexual
activities. She should be asked what these might be and if she
reveals such information, the husband should avoid them like a
plague. If he doesn’t, the engine may be violently thrown into
reverse.
Fifth gear. Once all other gears are shifted carefully
and in the right order, let nature take its course.
The marriage acrostic we just went through presents a lot of
information. In no way, of course, does it fully cover the issue
of a man and his marriage. Besides, when it comes to being a
husband, it seems that the more I learn, the less I know. I can
say that my journey with my wife has been my favorite part of
life. I will be forever grateful that God didn’t leave me alone.
I want my son to know that perhaps the grandest sunrise he will
ever see will be on the morning of the day he is scheduled to
put on a tuxedo, pin a corsage to his lapel, and stand at the
front of the church to watch his bride enter the room. With God,
his family and his friends as his witness, he can be glad for
the moment when he can finally say, "Then comes marriage..."