While it is normal for a man to embrace his
role as pro-tector of his wife, some men carry this
responsibility to a dan-gerous extreme. I want my son to
understand that his job as a husband is not to be a "dad" to his
wife, but to be a partner with her.
There are two instances when I learned that it would be both
inappropriate and undeserved to try to control my wife. The
first one involves money. When archery deer season was nearing,
I went to the local bow shop and ordered a dozen of the best
arrows they offered. When I brought them home, Annie was working
in the yard. I went to the garage and got my bow and my bucket
of target arrows and carried them to the area of our backyard
that I had turned into a small shooting range. The container
held at least three dozen arrows. Then I went to the truck and
got my new set and dropped them into the bucket. Annie observed
the addition of the aluminum sticks to the already overflowing
pail.
"Did you need that many new ones, dear?" she asked with a
tone of doubt.
"Oh, yes, sweetheart! This gets me ready for the upcoming
season." Of course, I didn’t really need them but it felt good
to know there were fresh, perfectly straight shafts to mount to
my quiver.
"Uh hum!" Annie responded softly.
Now move ahead about two months. The Christmas season is
approaching, and we have just finished a meal at a local
country-style restaurant that has an attached craft shop. Annie
made her way to the ornament rack. When I entered the cash
register area to pay for our meal, I saw her carefully removing
pretty little tree decorations, one by one. She was up to five
or six when I stepped up and asked with a sigh, "What are you
doing?"
Annie knew that I was very much aware of the untold number of
ornaments she already had boxed in the attic. She also knew I
was not keen on adding to the stack. However, when she answered
my question, I knew better than to challenge her purchase. Why?
Because her answer was, "I’m buying arrows." I walked away in
silence, like any smart man would do.
What was the big deal? If I allowed myself to be like a lot
of husbands I know, I would try to control her spending.
However, because I trust Annie’s financial sense and because I
know it would be wrong if I bought things for myself and didn’t
expect her to do the same, then I would be guilty of being
terribly unfair to her. How a husband handles this issue is a
very readable gauge for how much he tries to control her.
The other instance when I knew I could not allow myself to
dominate Annie involved her driving alone to West Virginia.
When the health of Annie’s parents began to fail, she intensely
sensed the need to often drive the 450 miles to their home to
assist her siblings in caring for their mother and father. I
couldn’t always make the trip with her, so she fre-quently made
the journey without me. One evening, while having dinner with
some friends, the hour was getting late and as we said our
goodbyes Annie announced that she would be driving alone to West
Virginia the next day. The host hus-band noticeably bristled and
asked me with a scolding tone, "Are you going to let her drive
all that way without you?"
Though I would have preferred to go along for the drive and
even be behind the wheel, my response was a confident, "Sure!"
He proceeded to rake me over the coals for not plan-ning to
accompany Annie on such a long trip. I felt quite parented by
his rebuke but responded with, "Listen, my friend, first of all,
if you want to try to stop her from going, be my guest! But
Annie is a grown woman and fully capable of taking care of
herself. If I didn’t think she could, I would certainly have my
foot on the gas pedal tomorrow." At that point his wife offered
a silent but telltale grin as she stared at her hus-band. Annie
smiled too as she heard me brag about her ability to take on the
task of covering so many miles without me.
What do I want Nathan to get out of these examples? While his
wife’s duty, as stated in Ephesians 5:22, is to be "sub-ject" to
her husband, the word in the original language does not imply
that she is involuntarily placed under his authority. Instead,
she willingly sets herself in that position. Therefore, a
husband must respect her abilities and earn her trust in his
leadership. In no way should he try to lord his headship role
over her. To do so will inflict irreparable damage to their
relationship.